I am very excited for this show. The Tank-Kimbo main event is legitimately intriguing. We learned from Ultimate Tank Abbott that no matter what happens Tank will have “the W in life.”
From the street to Elite! STREET CERTIFIED!
Stephen Quadros, Mauro Ranallo and Bill Goldberg. This may be the worst announce team in history. Quadros is claiming:
A. Most new fans know Tank from watching him bench press on the internet and
B. That Tank is in shape for the fight.
We will see.
James Thompson v. Brett Rogers:
Thompson charges out immediately and looks for the takedown instead of exchanging blows. Mauro says Thompson has a glass jaw and Quadros gets a little fired up. Rogers, of course immediately knocks him out. After the fight Rogers does the worst dance in the history of dances. “Wobble Wobble.” Rogers may actually be a guy from bumfights.
MAURO RANALLO SAYS EVERYTHING LIKE HE IS YELLING! EVERYTHING! He also has a horrible “black person” imitation that is semi-offensive.
Yves Edwards v. Edson Berto
Edwards does a long interview about how sexy he is. I’m now actively rooting for the other guy. Conan Silviera is in Yves corner and looks to be a Super Heavyweight.
Nice back and forth fight with some nice work on the ground and standing. Edwards ends it with a spectacular knee to the jaw from the clinch. The Urijah Faber special.
Scott Smith v. Kyle Noke
The Aussie. Not much of a nickname. He was the bodyguard for Steve Irwin, so he failed in his first career. Smith is a guy from the Ultimate Fighter.
Goldberg said it was a pleasure to watch these guys bang. Could his show be gayer? Smith has on nice nice baby blue shorts to continue on a theme. Crowd is saying Boo-Urns. Wait, they are booing the lack of action.
Seven seconds into Round 2 and Smith kills Noke dead. Smith adds an unnecessary cheap show to seal the deal. Goldberg say he rearranged his DNA? He will join the Croc Hunter in a better place. Smith’s boys couldn’t be there because their belly button rings got infected. You couldn’t make this stuff up.
Penultimate match: Ricco Rodriguez v. Antonio Silva
Ricco looks fat, but not obese fat. Goldberg says he is a good fighter but not a good human being. Ouch. Mauro used the word “alacrity,” incorrectly, but he impressed his Neanderthal booth mates.
Silva has a giant tattoo of a Big Foot on his back. I take back what I said earlier. Ricco looks to be in good shape for this, well, until he moves. Then the jiggling begins. Silva is the ugliest man in this or any sport.
Ricco is jiggling everywhere in this and his belly is hanging over his shorts. Silva is snapping his head back throughout the round, until Ricco finally gets a takedown with less than two minutes remaining. Ricco just added a blackbelt from ATT he bought online for $10. So his credentials are improving. First round to Silva.
Silva dominates the second round. Ricco gets a cut and tells the ref he can’t see. He’s trying to get them to stop the fight but the Doctor is like “You can still fight pussy.” Borderline 10-8 round.
Silva gets a takedown and Ricco never even tries to defend. Silva is showing no fear of Ricco on the ground and Ricco is getting beaten down. Ricco comes on strong and may have taken the third round in which Silva did very little. Ranallo hates Ricco! And Quadros calls him a “cockroach.” Man EliteXC is not happy with Ricco taking it to Silva. Mauro has experience as a pudding eating judge. Ricco wasn’t there. Silva wins a much delayed split decision. Just enough time for Gary Shaw to bribe the judges.
Tank Abbott v. Kimbo Slice
Kimbo is the STREET FIGHTING STAR OF THE INTERNET! Kimbo wins in 43 seconds. This was pure toughman shit. Let’s see Kimbo against someone who isn’t a 43 year old bar fighter. Tank Flair flops after the first punch that connects. Well, I feel disappointed. Showtime apparently wants Kimbo to fight Ken Shamrock. Apparently Kimbo is contractually obligated to fight every octogenarian in the sport.
