So, after a day long marathon of some uneasy moments, some sub-KOTC-level bitch-slapfests and things that make Ivan Trembow feel uncomfortable about watching Mixed Martial Arts, it is time for the finals o this season of The Ultimate Fighter. Hopefully you’ve been following Kendall’s breakdowns of each and every episode, or if you are like me, you are in the process of digesting the entire show on a slow Saturday afternoon, either way, we’ll be providing you with live analysis of The Ultimate Fighter Finale.

 

Junie Browning vs. Dave Kaplan

The fight originally not scheduled to make it live on the air has ended up live on the air after all of the Junie Browning drama. So both of the crack-ups face off on national TV, go figure. We here are onvinced that Dave Kaplan is a shaved gorilla from the congo. He comes off to one of the fruitiest entrances in history. Junie comes out to Eminem wearing what looks ot be a TUF shirt that he has slept in every night since the show finished taping. I literally cannot care about this fight any less, unless they both murder each other. This just in: MMA fighters have awful taste in music.

R1. Mazzagatti is reffing, and after the incredibly violent Fight for the Troops, maybe one of these guys will just die in the ring to round things out. Junie starts the fight kicking Kaplan right square in the balls, dead on. We are under way! Kaplan refuses to take a break. Just like we all thought, Kaplan stood and has taken some shots. Junie actually looks pretty decent and is tossing some good combos. Junie falls after a high kick and I will admit I went crazy at the thought of Kaplan winning with an ankle lock, but he didn’t. After some more action Junie gets Kaplan’s back and it goes nowhere.  They both are looking tired and their standup has turned comical, and that is a round. Junie won that round.

R2. Junie looks exhausted in his corner, but that doesn’t stop him from taking him down. Dave Kaplan isn’t offering much in the way of anything and Junie secures an armbar after a bit of a struggle to get into position. 

Junie then apologizes to Frank Mir and his team. He is really milking this to be invited back.

Joe Rogan interviews Kevin James who shills what looks to be an awful film. It comes out that nobody can tell Efrain and Phillipe apart. 

Eliot Marshall vs Jules Bruchez

R1. Looks like we have time for a quick dark match. Eliot comes in on fire with some heavy hands, gets Jules against the cage, then takes him down hard, side control, right into the mount, then back mount and a choke, it only took 1:27 to choke him out, after letting go of the choke to pound n his head then lock it in again. That was painless.

Stephan Bonnar announces a winner of some Dave & Buster’s contest. Bonnar should stay behind the mic because at least we can make fun of how he talks slowly as opposed to making fun of him for getting hit in the face.

Jason MacDonald vs. Wilson Gouiveia 

MacDonald is looking for a finish, guys. Wilson has beaten such MMA stars as Seth Petruzelli and MacDonald Chris Leben. I’m sick off this Harley Davidson ad, although I wish I had an ugly biker chick to hit me in the face before I worked out. I’d be a real man then. Also, boy am I sick of “Wake up and bleed.” Tapout commercials have also gotten worse. Have you noticed all of the space I’m giving to explaining commercials as opposed to Jason MacDonald vs. Wilson Gouveia hype? Hell, Gouveia couldn’t even care enough to make weight, why should I care?

R1. MacDonald tries to take Gouveia down, but he absolutely will not go unless it is by his own volition — and he does, he also gets right back up. A few Canadian knees that look like they are to the balls and Wilson is able to distance himself and save his balls from possible punishment, he then plugs MacDonald in the face with a job that sends him crashing to the mat. MacDonald is able to cover up some GnP until it turns into some brutal elbows and MacDonald taps. Guys, it is because he was heavier, clearly. That was as late of a stoppage as I’ve seen.

 
Kevin Burns vs. Anthony Johnson

This is a rematch of eye-poking proportions. I’m pretty sure my dog made a mess on the carpet hyping himself up for this rematch. Update: He is just gassy. I should poke him in the eye. Our man on the scene is telling me that this is like attending an AA baseball game.

R1. White guy in the white pants, says Goldberg. Johnson trains with Cung Le so he is automatically the best thing going on this evening. Burns is putting on a ton of pressure, but Johnson has awesome head movement and is getting in some good shots. Johnson was dominating on top in a side guard only for Burns to get an awkward triangle only for Johnson to shrug it off. Mario stands ‘em up, which is fine by me. Burns falls down and eats some shots to the thigh, Mario stands him up and then Johnson gets the better of the stand up to finish the round. Round for Johnson.

R2. Ends up on the ground after a minute, Johnson back on top of Burns and the most interesting part is the Corey Hill laffy taffy leg update. Johnson with some alright shots from the guard. This should have been stood up ages ago. Not much to say about Round 2. There is awesome ground work and then there is this.

R3. A headkick from Johnson that made me shout “OOOOH” knocks Burns out cold. Don’t worry Kevin, they are saying BOO-URNS.

Matt Serra apparently really likes playing crummy motorsports games on his PS3. Frank Mir is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness, apparently they missed the entire part of his career when he was in really poor shape. Rogan interviews Mir and Griffin about the Spike Videogame show and it ends up that Frank Mir is completely obsessed with “What Would Nog Do?” He is going to die via Nog’s hands.

205lbs Finals: Ryan Bader vs. Vinny Magalhaes

Jiu-Jitsu vs. Wrestling, this should be a good fight.

R1. Pensive stand up. Charging knee by Bader and he gets out of dodge. Bader is all about the hit and run right now until Bader lands an incredible right hand that downs Vinny, a few shots for good measure and it is over. Well, that paid off.

I kind of expect that somebody, at some time, when they say ‘here is your trophy’ and the card girl hands it over, that they’d just pull her in as well. Ryan Bader; not that guy.

Krzysztof vs. Shane Primm

R1. Yet another prelim, Krz with a good punch, but ends up on his back, he scrambles up and it is clinch against the cage time. This is just pretty poor stand up. I’m not going to bother talking about it. The fans lost that round.

R2.  It is fights like this that remind me why MMA can be bad. The best part of this fight is the Bad News Brown mention, by far. Oh hey, they are on the ground, side control by the guy with the obnoxious name, going for a kimura but he probably won’t get it. Oh wait, he does. Fight is over, Primm looks hurt, I want to go home. Wait, I am home.

 
155lbs Finals: Phillipe Nover vs. Efrain Escudero

Phillipe is apparently the next GSP, he is raw talent and so on, hyperbole, etc. 

R1. Hey, it is on the mat. We are told Nover has attained his black belt in BJJ, so we shall see. Efrain with a right hand, he has Nover’s back now and Nover is fighting the shit out of this choke attempt. After some GnP Nover catches him in a triangel attempt, and it is back to the feet. Efrain takes him down hard. This is a very, very active fight. Great first round, probably give it to Efrain. 

R2.  Nover comes out slugging, but that just lands him on his back. Efrain now kicking the thigh of Nover until Nover pops up and it is push up against the cage time. Nover going for a guillotine and Efrain takes him down and pushes on into side control. Nover really has no answer to Efrain’s wrestling. They pop up, Nover with a devastatingly awesome mid kick and Efrain follows up with a devastatingly awesome slam to finish out the round. Efrain up 2 rounds.

R3. Efrain seems to have perfect timing for avoiding Nover’s shots and taking him down. Nover goes for a knee and ends up on his back again. Nover has mission control and is elbowing Efrain’s shoulder. Efrain is in kind of a bad spot but it doesn’t look like Efrain is going to budge. Oh man! He went for the omoplata  and ended up on his feet. Going for sone GnP and then awkwardly ends up on Efrain, but there is no way that was enough to win this fight.

Efrain Escudero is your winner, 29 - 28.

Dana White got two lay ‘n prayers as his TUFers. I’m sure he loves it.