Live from (a dude in California blogging a show in) Newcastle Birmingham!

Joe Rogan has a mightily impressive beard, almost a tribute to Evan Tanner. Let’s proceed with the proceedings.

Paul Kelly vs. Marcus Davis

Marcus Davis is “almost an honorary citizen” of the UK and comes out to a soundbyte from Boondock Saints into House of Pain. (Joe Rogan has to give a shout out to his man Everlast! Awesome.) Davis has undergone that same facial surgery that Nick Diaz went through to avoid cutting and reduce the amount of scar tissue around his eyes. I’m looking forward to this fight because I like Davis. Should I have already mentioned that? Oh well.

If I’m not mistaken, Marcus Davis vs. English dude = fireworks as a general rule, but I can’t say I know much about Kelly.

(Not to put a personal slant on this blog but I just woke up an hour ago and now I’m chilling under a big comforter and spping hot chocolate and it is fantastic.)

Round 1:

The crowd is raucously pro-Kelly, or maybe just raucous. Slow start to this one, both fighters showing a measure of respect. Davis is doing a good job here holding Kelly off with the jab but 3 minutes in we’re still in second gear. 3:30 in and Marcus effortlessly takes Kelly down and passes to side control though a sloppy mount attempt leads to a scramble and both men going back to the feet. Davis wins on inconclusive striking plus the takedown and guard pass. (That’s a pretty reasonable position, I think.)

Round 2:

Marcus Davis is clearly a better rounded striker, utilizing the jab as well as leg and body kicks but it’s all for nought at Kelly shoots a blast double and Davis sniffs out a guillotine, gets full guard and Kelly taps.

Post fight Davis made a friend! Awww. He also wants to fight in Ireland which is understandable.

Paul Taylor vs. Chris Lytle

Chris Lytle, like Marcus Davis, is high on the last of Welterweights I Like Who Probably Won’t Ever Be Elite Fighters. I mean, the guy has a submission victory by inverted triangle/kimura! And his hands are good, which is an aspect you just get around to appreciating.

Paul Taylor informed my opinion that Marcus Davis + English dude = fireworks earlier in the year as Taylor just about knocked Davis’s head off but lost. He also comes out to… I don’t know, is this Northern Soul? It might be The Clash, actually, the audio mix isn’t terribly good. But anyway the point is Paul Taylor is coming out to something that is at least Motown-derivative and I appreciate that.

Round 1:

Hoboy, let there be punching. This is essentially a Looney Toons fight where all you can see is a cloud of dust and the occasional limb. Into the clinch and Lytle lands a big head and arm throw but loses Taylor and back up into the clinch. This has slowed down a little bit but that is perfectly acceptable. Lytle is winging punches and taking a lot to the chin, his striking style is mega loose tonight. Taylor’s mixing in a lot of strikes, elbows on clinch breaks, some good kicks when Lytle utilzes his head movement, etc. I have no idea who wins this round.

Round 2:

Lytle’s is winging massive shots and it’s a testament to Taylor’s chin that he doesn’t do the gentlemanly thing and fall down. Lytle clinch and takedown into Taylor sweep into scramble into guillotine opportunity but both men make get vertical. Taylor with a takedown attempt but Lytle’s back up and into the clinch. Lytle is proving the Mohammed Ali adage that is tires a fighter out more to miss a punch than it does to throw a punch that gets blocked; Lytle’s been swinging and missing a lot of punches and he is seriously fatigued. Accidental low blow on Lytle leads to a break in the action but only a short one as Lytle is seriously gassed here. Taylor ends strong with a short sharp combination out of the clinch. I don’t know what the score should be by now, but Lytle is on the road to losing this through fatigue.

Round 3:

At this point it behooves me to mention that both fighters here have incredible chins. Taylor has been landing effective combos all night and Lytle lands some thudding blows in the first minute of the 3rd round and neither man seems the worse for wear, Lytle’s fatigue notwithstanding. Talor has also been absorbing body shots for the entire fight but Lytle hasn’t been able to take his legs out from under him. Heading into the last 90 seconds Lytle takes Taylor down to possibly lock up the round but Taylor is up within a minute. Lytle is rocked and almost finished in the last 20 but he survives to the bell. (Horn.) I have no idea how this shakes out. I do however know that Dana White is writing out the check for fight of the night–this is the quintessential UFC House Style Fight.

Lytle by unanimous decision and the fans aren’t happy but Taylor is a hometown boy so there’s that. Lytle wants a fight with Marcus Davis and I am completely down for that.

Rogan interviews the ever humble Anderson Silva who does not feel he’s the pound for pound best in the world but feels like he can become the best, and who is noncommital on the idea of more fights at 205 lbs.

Sokoudjou vs. Luiz Cane

Muay Thai vs. Judopunching. This probably won’t make it to the third round, much less a decision.

(Mike Goldberg pronounces Rogerio Nogueira with an “r” and it’s like, how long have you been commenting on MMA, Mike?)

According to the Rogan and Goldberg, Sokoudjou could do anything he wants athletically, except defend the arm triangle. Well, OK, they just said he could do anything, I just filled in the blanks. Rameau Thierry’s (shootname!) knee is heavily, heavily wrapped up which could pose a problem against a leg kick prone opponent. (Which Luiz Cane actually might not be, I am ignorant.)

Round 1:

Sokoudjou’s taped up back leg doesn’t seem to be an issue as he’s throwing kicks in volume. This fight is going to come to a violent and sudden end but it seems like it could be either guy who goes down. Cane’s having a problem dealing with the distinguished judoka’s pressure tactics and Sokoudjou is landing some pretty significant punches and kicks, though nearing the end of the round his attack grinds to a halt as he doesn’t seem anywhere near prepared for a 3 round fight.

Round 2:

Krzysztof Soszynski is in Sokoudjou’s corner which seems like a bad sign. Sokoudjou takes a kick to the groin and a short break in the action ensues. Tentative action but Sokoudjou unleashes a SAVAGE jumping body kick but otherwise we have what is essentially an impasse. Thierry has gone into counterpunching, which may pay dividends as he still has very crisp punches and good reflexes, but Cane has an absolute advantage in speed and agression here. Cane lands a big straight left and a series of punches and it looks like we have an English Mazzagatti here as Sokoudjou  takes a half dozen more punches than he has any reason to before the fight is stopped.

It’s disappointing to see Sokoudjou beaten so definitively but if you don’t have the cardio to go three rounds you seriously need to rethink your gameplan and training. I blame Krzysztof. That jerk.

Rogan interviews Patrick Cote and really I don’t pay attention. He seems to believe he is not a sacrificial lamb, which is a mistaken notion.

Shane Carwin vs. Neil Wain

Yeah, I really don’t see Neil Wain avenging the losses of his compatriots tonight.

Round 1:

Carwin is apparently Randy Couture’s training partner for the Lesnar fight, which I’m sure offers some insight into Couture’s strategy for that fight. Carwin gets hit a couple times striking but takes Wain down not far into the first round and pounds him out from mount. I appreciate the efficiency. Carwin is, to be fair, a beast.

Keith Jardine vs. Brandon Vera

This is the fight I was looking forward least on this card. Vera’s been nothing but a disappointment to me since he started facing actual competition, and the fact that he has one of the top payouts in the UFC is vexing. Jardine is a fighter I am not fond of either but I am not particularly biased against him. Vera promises he will be better than ever tonight, but I can’t trust you Brandon! Just… not now. Jardine has landed 90% of his shots to the body! Jardine has thrown the most leg kicks in UFC history! SCIENCE!

Round 1:

Apparently tweaking your nipples gives you good luck. (Hence various GSP animated .gifs) I will have to test that out. Jardine catches a kick early and shoots a blast double. Vera works for a kimura but it doesn’t go anywhere and Jardine begins throwing heavy leather and elbows from the guard and I suspect a long night for Vera.  The ref whom I am not familiar with orders a standup despite the fact that Jardine is consistently landing shots, and it’s not terrible but I would call it suspect. Jardine seems like he would rather be in the guard than on his feet. In the last 30 seconds both fighters knock eachother down in short order but Jardine gets the best of it and lands some heavy punches with Vera kneeling against the cage.

This is a surprisingly entertaining fight.

Round 2:

Jardine looks gassed, but it’s probably just Horwich-gassed where it’s just their weird, ugly fighting style. Vera has the power, considering Jardine’s suspect chin, to end this fight at any time but Jardine seems to have a marked advantage in aggression and on the ground. Vera catches a high kick and they tumble to the mat shortly, then back up into the clinch and back to distance. Rogan on whether Jardine is hurt or not: “If he’s not throwing kicks you don’t know, but if he is throwing kicks he’s OK.” Vera doesn’t really have the answer for Jardine’s Jardine-ness. Jameson is regretful that he missed opportunities for a cameo in the blog, here you go dude!

Round 3:

Jardine leads this definitively having taken the first two rounds, Vera needs a knockout and it’s only going to come from a counterpunch because Vera is not moving forward. In poker, when you’re not sure if you have the best hand or if it’s going to hold up, you bet so you have two ways to win, your opponent folding or your opponent calling and having the worst hand. Vera is checking with the worst hand and hoping to catch a card, if you understand my metaphor. I give Jardine credit for absolutely not cruising to a win, consistently coming forward despite the fact that he’s exposing himself to the risk of a fight changing strike from Vera. Rogan and Goldberg try to manufacture uncertainty as to who wins the fight, but it’s pretty weak. I’ve got Jardine 30-27.

Well, I was wrong about the unanimous decision, but the right man won. Jardine gives Vera credit for being the best kickboxer in the division, but it’s hard to be a great kickboxer who doesn’t throw punches or kicks. The upside of this fight is that Vera is no longer a disappointment to me, as I no longer have any expectations of him except that he will lose against top level competition.

Main Event: Michael Bisping vs. Chris Leben

There’s no amount of jingo in the world that would make me want to cheer Chris Leben here. I see I savage beating in The Crippler’s future. I suspect he will want a drink after this fight. (OK, that was insensitive, I just wanted to express how badly Chris Leben is going to get beaten up.)

Michael Bisping hasn’t FOUGHT a striker of Leben’s caliber! Uh-huh. I think he fought a striker of Leben’s caliber when he fought Matt Hammil, honestly. Leben talks like he’s a pro wrestler, but his cliches seem extra-hokey.

GAWD SAVE THE QUEEN. I am fond of the Sex Pistols, to be honest. I think Nevermind the Bollocks is a pretty rad album and gets unfairly bashed as a kind of exercise in internet groupthink. It’s really quite serviceable!

(Bisping  out to that one song that’s just WHOO-HOO and a chord progression. You know the one. I did not know that Bisping is actually descended from a Polish count deposed by World War Two. I just thought The Count was a kind of classy moniker.)

Round 1:

Leben is moving forward and throwing leg and body kicks but Bisping is looking very smooth in there and is slipping in straight punches. I give Leben credit, he’s immensely calm and as per usual feels no pain so Bisping really needs to stay on his toes. Bisping’s footwork here is looking great and this is shaking out as an action fight. The Count smashes Leben’s nose a bit and that’s something that will certainly pay dividends later in the fight. Leben is throwing more loopy punches as we head into the second, but Bisping was hurt late in the first so we’ll see if Leben might be able to club out a win.

Round 2:

Leben’s still chasing and I’m thinking this going to decision, as Leben isn’t going to knock out Bisping and Bisping isn’t going to hurt Leben badly enough to put himself in finishing position (thai clinch or mount). Midpoint of the fight and Leben isn’t winning the fight much less overcoming Bisping’s hometown advantage. Bisping’s got the cardio to go forever and ever and Leben really needs him to slow down in order to win this fight. End of the second round Leben advances with his hands down, in order to psyche out Bisping? I don’t know.

Round 3:

Bisping is purported to have patterned his strategy for this fight after Silva vs. Leben, and as far as it goes Bisping’s done a solid, workmanlike job of it. Leben definitely puts paid to his own claims that he’s changed his ways; he hasn’t. He’s a pressure fighter who walks forward and throws slow, looping, power punches and who doesn’t really have the answer for a fighter who’s going to use footwork and head movement to move away and keep his back off the cage while throwing straight punches. If Bisping has more power, he might be an elite middleweight, as it stands he’s a strong prospect who is working hard to strengthen his all-around game. At the end of the third round I think it’s clear that Bisping takes a unanimous decision. Good fight, by the way.

The scorecards favor Bisping 30-27, 30-27, and 29-28 for a unanimous decision. I used to be annoyed by Bisping for being a heavily overrated light heavyweight, but as a middleweight rapidly growing as a fighter I’ve become fond of him.

Post fight Bisping looks poised and unblemished, while Leben looks like Frankenstein (’s Monster. How could I be so silly). Leben plays to the crowd in the post fight promo and you know I really think Leben would be more or less at home in the professional wrestling business, especially in the particular strain that imagines itself as being legitimate artistic expression.

Next week! Anderson Silva legally murders a French Canadian!

Inna final analysis, this wasn’t the most star studded card but almost every fight delivered (as long as you weren’t expecting any prolonged grappling whatsoever) and I appreciate it. Probably about the most entertaining card you could put together with this talent, and I tip my hat to Joe Silva for putting it together.