How have you weathered these thirty days since Kazuhiro Nakamura’s untimely release from his UFC contract, friends? Have you felt adrift? I admit that I have, a little. But I have found some measure of comfort in this disproportionate career retrospective of ours, and I hope you have as well. Disproportionate career retrospectives comforteth like sunshine after rain, it is said, and I hope this has been as true for you as it has been for me.

When we began our look back, we proceeded from three essential Kazuhiro Nakamura truths: (i) that he came to mixed martial arts from a fine career as a judo player, holding championships in international B and C level tournaments, and an impressive third-place showing in the 2001 Japanese national championships; (ii) that he managed to adapt his judo nage waza or throwing techniques to mixed martial arts better than some others (such as his training partner Hidehiko Yoshida or Polish judo legend/walking pharmacy Pawe? Nastula) who possess far more impressive judo credentials; and (iii) that while he has competed well against the best light heavyweight competition this sport has to offer, he has always been on the outside of that group looking in, never quite able to make the leap from his division’s second tier into its highest ranks. Despite having more going for him than most on the level of technique, both grappling and striking, Nakamura has never really turned out to be what it looked like he could be. Imagine Bas Rutten’s disappointment, and what the burden of that must feel like.

You’ll recall that the explanation proposed here, not by way of excuse, but by way of fondest celebration, is that Kazuhiro Nakamura is fundamentally a guy who wants to do judo, and get high — and, again, crucially, not necessarily in that order. As it was his fleeting UFC tenure that revealed this all-explaining aspect of his character, it is fitting that we close with it.

But first, Shogun!

Kazuhiro Nakamura vs. Mauricio Rua
Pride Shockwave 2006
31 December 2006

Shogun, let’s not forget, was arguably the top light heavyweight in the world at the time of this fight. His only loss in his previous eleven bouts — which included the 2005 Pride Middleweight Grand Prix — was a freak open-weight loss to Mark Coleman (which gave us, among other things, Wanderlei’s accusation that Coleman “KICK [hees] FACE INNA GROUND”). Nakamura, by rights, should have been killed in the ring. That he walks among us to this day is, I believe, a triumph for judo.

Nakamura fares better in the clinch in this bout than one might expect, particularly in the early going, looking dangerous with his harai goshi (sweeping hip) and uchi mata (inner thigh) throws, never looking to be in danger of eating a million brutal knees, which is very much how I expected this fight to go at the time. Shogun, though, gets the first real takedown here with a slick foot sweep. He switches from side control to an arm-triangle/kata gatame attempt. For a while there, you’d see arm triangles all the time, but not so much anymore. Fashion is fast. They’re up, they box, they’re down, and Shogun comes much closer with a second attempt at the arm triangle. Nakamura rolls out, but Shogun takes the back, and has both hooks very much in when he attempts a rear naked choke. The completely replaceable Frank Trigg has, by this time, replaced the irreplaceable Bas Rutten on colour commentary, and he talks about rear naked choke defenses, which is pretty rich. Well, I guess he would be as much of an expert in what doesn’t work from that position as anybody, right? And that’s half the battle. Nakamura escapes, ends up mounted, but sweeps before Shogun is able to really do any damage from the position, and the round ends with Nakamura picking his shots from Shogun’s guard.

Interestingly, the talk between rounds is of what a great job Nakamura is doing here, which is curious, in that he plainly lost that round. But, again, his mere survival here is borderline miraculous. There is also some talk of Shogun just not seeming himself here, which is true.

They clinch in the corner to begin round two, and Nakamura hits a crisp left-side osotogari. They end up in north/south position, Nakamura lands a couple of knees to the heads, but Shogun stands up and out. They swing, but neither lands significantly before they clinch in the corner again. After a restart in the center, Shogun scores with another foot sweep, and lands in side control, eventually taking the back and looking for the choke. Again, with Shogun on top and in control of the round, the talk is of Nakamura’s chances of an upset here. The is the extent of underdoggery we are dealing with here: that Nakamura has not been particularly close to being finished by now is shocking. Ryo Chonan slaps Nakamura across the face between rounds, and it’s the hardest he’s been hit so far in this fight.

Nakamura ends up on his back early in the third round after a swing and a miss on a high kick. Shogun works from half-guard to mount and looks for the Americana/ude garami, which is a real good way to get swept. Not that he gets swept, mind you. He just hangs out.

This is easily the least exciting fight of Shogun’s career, and it is among the least engaging of Nakamura’s career as well, which is saying something. The fight ends with a desperate flurry of punches from Nakamura, none of which connects solidly. Shogun rightly receives the unanimous decision, and Nakamura rightly receives our congratulations on not getting stomped into oblivion, but on the whole this fight is awful and you should never ever watch it.

Kazuhiro Nakamura vs. Lyoto Machida
UFC 74
22 September 2007

What to make of Nakamura’s idiosyncratic behaviour at UFC weigh ins? The SARS mask, the kimono, the excessive bowing, the hitched-up shorts, the exaggerated karate-style posing, the tremendous hat . . . could he be engaged in “a commentary about America’s anti-Asian stereotypes,” particularly “in regards to irrational/exagerated fear of diseases such as SARS,” as blogger Dynamitekenji suggests? That is something to consider. It is of course also worth considering, as DK himself notes, that “there’s also a chance that he may have just really had a cold.” “Nak’s always been a joker,” DK rightly observes, but this does seem something more. The subaltern speaks! At a weigh-in! And I thought those guys were denied access to both mimetic and political forms of representation.

Recently in the Total-MMA forums, we’ve been talking about Lyoto Machida quite a lot. Lyoto: least entertaining fighter ever, and so you despise him? Or least entertaining fighter ever, so you like him out of contrarian spirit? Perhaps there are other options here but I am a busy man with places to be and Kazuhiro Nakamura retrospectives to write and so I do not get caught up in such matters.

Mike Goldberg suggests that these are two of the most respected names in international MMA. I don’t necessarily know about that, but I do know that Nakamura’s bowl-cut is outrageous. “I can tell you one thing, this is a funny dude,” Goldberg says. Nakamura comes to the ring in his trademark blue gi over a kimono, a hachimaki, and a parasol. “The Japanese are very strange, man,” Joe Rogan observes, which definitely seems to be the response Nakamura is aiming for, regardless of what you make of my man Dynamitekenji’s take. It is also possible, of course, that Nakamura is simply stoned out of his mind here. There is California State Athletic Commission urinalysis to suggest that this was the case.

“Nakamura wants to prove that judo is still number one,” Mike Goldberg says, and I feel exactly the same way. Nakamura begins the match by running around the perimeter of the octagon for a sec. That’s probably not a great sign. Rogan points out that Nakamura has trained extensively with “the great Yoshida.” I like that. From a clinch against the cage, Nakamura attempts a harai goshi and an uchi mata but he ends up on his back — as Rogan has it, “there’s that judo, but it didn’t work.” Nakamura manages to stand up against the cage from half guard, and he attempts his ouchi gari inside trip but gets nowhere with it. They separate, and Machida hits one of those strange little footsweeps that are among his sharpest techniques. The round ends with Machida on top.

Round two begins with the most aggressive Machida you are likely to see: he trips Nakamura and actually looks to finish with a serious flurry of punches. He takes Nakamura’s back, and Nakamura, who has had little trouble rolling out of this position throughout his career, ends up eating elbows in mount before giving up his back again — he’s nearly finished by a rear naked choke before he spins out and scrambles to his feet. Only to be grounded and mounted AGAIN. Nakamura scrambles back up, but the first three and a half minutes of this round are all Machida. Nakamura eventually scores a kosoto gari trip, but with only thirty seconds to work with left in the round, it is for naught.

David Spade in the crowd, ladies and gentlemen. David Spade.

Nakamura clinches and scores with an ouchi gari but Machida is able to use the cage to stand back up. Joe Rogan is of the opinion that Nakamura could easily make 185 pounds, and I do not doubt that. Machida does seem the bigger stronger guy here, and there has been, at times, a certain looseness to Nakamura’s physique, as I may have previously mentioned. Wow, round three is a nothing round. The crowd has been much slower to boo than is the UFC standard, but they are unable to restrain themselves with but a minute remaining in this third round. With twenty seconds to go, Nakamura lands a pretty rad standing elbow, but it is the only blow he lands solidly in the entire match. Machida takes it 30-27 on all three judges scorecards, and Nakamura looked as bad against Machida as everybody looks against Machida. Maybe a little worse.

Kazuhiro Nakamura vs. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou
UFC 84
24 May 2008

If you are the type who enjoys embedded videos of Korean feeds of mixed martial arts fights, then you are in luck!

If ever you wanted definitive evidence that Joe Rogan is right, and that Kazuhiro Nakamura is too small to be fighting at 205 in the UFC, look no farther. Sokoudjou easily looks two weight classes above Nakmamura here. Nakamura is, in this fight, a chubby little dude in way over his head. The first round is contested entirely standing, a kind of tentative (but not too tentative) kickboxing bout. That’s the beauty of MMA: you take two skilled grapplers, give them four ounce gloves, and watch them kickbox. That’s what we’re all here for, right? With seconds to go in the first round, Sokoudjou lands a right kick to the body and a straight right hand that puts Nakamura on his back. Nakamura, unable to answer the bell to start the second round, is stopped by strikes for only the second time in his career.

So, friends, this is how it ends, our Kazuhiro Nakamura retrospective. From the dizzying highs of his early promise to the horrifying lows of his utterly, unspeakably unwatchable bout with Yoshihiro Nakao, this is the Kazuhiro Nakamura that was. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Will we see Kazuhiro Nakamura fighting in Sengoku against opponents chosen two days before the event? Or will we see him in Dream, fighting against opponents chosen two days before the event? The possibilities are endless. Will the turn he took towards weigh-in social commentary in the UFC continue in his next stop? Or was there any such commentary in the first place? In a career filled with decisions, here’s one for us, the retrospectors, to make. Kazuhiro Nakamura: wacky, underachieving judo pothead? Or Kazuhiro Nakamura: political, wacky, underachieving judo pothead?

But let us end this, the most extended look Kazuhiro Nakamura’s largely indistinguished mixed martial arts career is ever likely to receive, not with a question, but with the words of Bas Rutten, il miglior fabbro, who summed up the man and his career more precisely in nine words than I have managed in thousands.

“He should have never, again, thrown away his gi.”