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Goldberg says this card is stacked top to bottom. He’s kind of right.

Tyson Griffin v. Marcus Aurelio:
Both come out to songs from Rocky. So it is even so far.

Round 1: The action is slow starting and the crowd lets them hear about it. Griffin gets him down and lands some GNP on way to taking the first round. Nothing to write home about.

There must be no real celebrities in the house, because they showed Jamie Pressley. It should be noted, for posterity, that Tyson Griffin has Condom Depot imprinted on his ass.

Round 2: Aurelio has a shot at a triangle and gets Griffin’s back for about 20 seconds. Griffin is landing some good leg kicks and there is much discussion of his hips. Not much going on here, so of course the announcers become insistent that it is a good fight. Don’t believe that hype.

Between rounds we see Criss Angel and someone from Godsmack. Celebrity impaired.

Round 3: More of the same. Rogan claims Aurelio is “closest to success” when he is on his back getting pounded. Not so great for Marcus.

Griffin wins a Unanimous 30-27 Decision but his rep for always having exciting fights is kind of vanishing like smoke.

DW in –

Josh Koscheck vs. Chris Lytle

It is going to be the battle of a stand up guy and a guy that dabbles in some impressive stand-up while having a blond fro. It was pointed out in our chat that Koscheck has never left his frat days behind. This seems really, really true. Pete Wentz in the crowd, this is really the worst crowd ever.

R1. Lytle and Kos going for some big strikes to feel each other out. Koshcheck did his patented high kick -> slip. Lytle now kinda gets a guillotine on Kos, only for Kos to get on top of him, which is not a great plan against a top level wrestler. The round ends with Kos just on top of him for a long time pounding to little avail.

R2. Kos on top for a while ago and pounding on him some more. This seems to be the story of the fight. Lytle is bleeding pretty hardcore for these elbows. This is like meat grinder material here, Kos is just making him bleeeeeed.

They might actually stop this, as that cut is bad.

R3. He is extremely lucky that nobody has stopped this, and we get another round. Lytle trying to outstrike Kos who just takes him down. Lytle going for Kos’s left arm, then a guillotine that Kos spins out of and then back into, then out of again. Now back against the cage with Kos on top. Koscheck aiming his elbows at that nasty, nasty cut and more blood comes pouring out. Like, this looks like a murder scene. The ref stands them up, and Lytle is a mess, apparently Kos beating the crap out of him isn’t “active” to Yves. Lytle charges looking for a hail mary of a KO, only to get hugged up against the cage and for Yves to break them up with 20 seconds left. Kos takes a few shots near the end as he goes for the ‘hey, hit me, I’ll hit you’ stuff that never works for him.

Kos via UD.

JS in-

Joe “Daddy” Stevenson v. Gleison Tibau
This has the potential to be an interesting ground battle. Tibau is a BJJ black belt, but that won’t stop him from being manhandled by Joe. Tibau came out to the Road Warrior’s music, but no spikes or face paint. Half way is no way at all Gleison.

Tibau looks huge. What is ATT feeding them down in Florida?

The BJ Penn fight has kind of obscured how good a fighter Stevenson is. He’s able to drop him with a punch, get a takedown, and land an elbow. Tibau secures an omaplata, but Stevenson defends. For two FULL MINUTES. This is not scintillating. “This is what jiu jtsu is all about,” Rogan says. Well, then jiu jitsu sucks.

Round 2: Tibau is outgrappling Stevenson, but Joe grabs one of his guillotines and utilizes what Rogan calls “Crushing Squeeze Power.”

DW in-

Anthony Keideis~! The text messaging fans are morons, it has been predominantly Forrest. What? Gordi aptly points out that 53% of UFC fans with text messaging ability are probably racist. Are you?

Patrick Cote vs. Ricardo Almeida. Almeida comes out to “Fortunate Son” by CCD, which might make him the odds on favorite. I thought Cote was coming out to “Thriller” but sadly, no, it is French rap. My neighbor’s house was just struck by lightning. Suckers.

RD 1. And here we go! Goldberg needs new lines already. Ricardo jumps into a guard and gets a guillotine, only for Cote to go to the ground. We already have Rogan talking about top level jiu-jitsu and Mission control Rubber Guard. Cote wisely runs away when he gets up. Most of this round was spent with Almeida dry humping Cote against the cage before getting him down. Cote is fighting valiantly against Almeida’s awesome ground ability and isn’t taking much damage, but is getting hit a lot.

Something is wrong with Almeida’s tape, so we have theem taping his wrists up in between the rounds, legit.

R2. Cote takes him down, foolishly, Mission Control again, but Cote gets up. I must say that Cote  has done a good job fighting his way to his feet. Almeida’s takedowns are either not good, or Cote is good at defending. This round is rather slow.

R3. This stays on the feet and yet still sees little action so far. Almeida is slowing down, and Cote is trying to take advantage of him, but is afraid to get inside and land some shots. He is being aggressive, but aggressive with what? This round is just bad, straight up. Almeida takes him down to probably solidify a win, but wow.

Cote just shouted “VAGINA! VAGINA!” into the camera. Best part of the fight. Split decision for Cote. Wow. How, we don’t know, but Cote was awarded the fight. Round 2 was close, so I can see that, and Round 3 was most likely him, but still, wow.

Rampage~! vs. Forrest Griffin. Hopes are Rampage pops Forrest’s head off with a slam. Like I mean, clean, just slam, pop, oh my god. Forrest comes out to Dropkick Murphys again. This is a race war. David Spade IN DA HOUSE, I feel almost complete, where is the King of Queens, though? There is Mandy Moore, good enough for me.

RD 1. We start out standing, with both feeling each other out. Reasonable enough, the crowd is on fire, all of them for Forrest, oddly enough. White crowd. Rampage taking it to him, Forrest goes for his clinch theory and gets hit, so the clinch strategy seems out the window. Forrest is using leg kicks and Rampage TEES OFF~! Forrest charges in now and this is ruling. We needed a real fight after this night of non-fights. Forrest lands a hook while Rampage is ducking. RAMPAGE WITH AN UPPERCUT! Forrest down! Rampage on top and just walks him with his hands to the cage. Forrest trying to spin out, and I want him to go for a triangle and get slammed. I want this. I demand this. Forrest smart with a closed guard. Forrest trying to scramble and eating punches. Knees to the gut by Forrest, they split up and we have a slugfest goin’ on here. Great first round.

R2. Big leg kick by Forrest and Rampage looks hurt. Headlock from Forrest and some awesome knees, he takes him down. Wow. Rampage is in trouble right here. We here are starting to assume Rampage stepped from the bar stool and into the cage here. Side control by Forrest and going for an Americana! Rampage slips out, but Forrest is owning this round. Forrest with some elbows and short punches on Rampage, and moves to the mount. More short elbows by Forrest. Forrest going for a forearm choke it looks like, and is keeping up the short elbows, just grinding his elbow into the champ’s face. This is domination. 10-8 round, and I never thought I’d be saying it. We all knew it was possible, but just didn’t want it to be.

R3. Rampage still tentative with that knee. Forrest is such a more evolved fighter now, the fact he is showing this kind of restraint is amazing. Rampage is doing a great job of blocking these shots, but isn’t landing anything himself. Rampage with a left hook that momentarily stuns him! Forrest has a good chin, though, Rampage with another combo! Rampage is getting inside and going for some shots finally, but is still getting tagged in the leg. If you would have told me we’d have a scientific standup fight between these two I probaly wouldn’t of believed it, but yeah. That is what we’ve got. Oh, wait, it is time for them to go nuts now. R3 for Rampage. So Rampage 10-9 in the first and 3rd, Forrest 10-8 in the 2nd.

R4. Forrest comes out with a kick that Rampage blocks, Rampage in with a left and right combo. Another big combo! UPPERCUTS! RAMPAGE UPPERCUTS! TAKEDOWN! Forrest is cut! Forrest has him in a guard and ‘Page not able to get any shots. The fans are fickle and have now embraced him. Forrest with a triangle attempt. SLAM COMING UP — YES! Powerbomb! Not Arona levels of awesome, but still good. Omoplata by Forrest! Rampage is taking none of that as he gets up. Bang! Catches Forrest on the way up. Joe Rogan apparently missed the slam as he thinks Forrest is winning this round. When Goldberg is doubting you, yeah. Rampage keeps connecting with some nice shots. Rampage catches him with 2 great shots before the round ends. This is incredible. 10-9 for Rampage this round.

R5. This round means the world for this fight. Whoever takes this takes the fight. Forrest looks tired, his leg kicks are just barely making contact. Rampage with another big right hand that lands. Forrest with a combo ending with a mid kick. Great exchange and I’m not sure either came out the better in that one. Rampage with a leg kick for no real reason. Rampage showing great head work and foot work here. Forrest is the aggressor right now, keeping Rampage moving and keeping himself in the center. Forrest lands a shot that stuns him a bit. Rampage now the aggressor and takes a leg kick but doesn’t care, he wants to BANG with some hooks. Rampage with some more great shots, but Forrest isn’t gonna go down. Uppercuts! This round is close, maybe leaning in Forrest’s favor. What a great, great fight. Great performances by both men, regardless of who wins.

I am really kinda hoping for a draw here. It just felt so close. Here are the judges’ breakdown: 48-46, 48-46, 49-46 — FORREST. We have a new champion, and it is Forrest Griffin, Zuffa’s first home grown star.