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I have nothing but goodwill for all things UFC after just how rad UFC 84 was last weekend, and so I approach this episode of The Ultimate Fighter in the most generous of spirits. Wasn’t that the best? Penn just picking Sherk apart? Machida and Ortiz putting on a thrilling third round to possibly end Ortiz’s UFC career? No shortage of judo (harai goshi!) from Dong Hyun Kim and Yoshiyuki Yoshida? A truly gorgeous armbar from Rousimar Palhares? Wanderlei brutally knocking Jardine out to the awed disbelief of the Rock, the grinning delight of Shaq, the utter horror of David Spade, and the something-I’m-not-quite-sure-what of Laura Prepon? Just a great, great show all around. And while obviously quarterfinal matchups on The Ultimate Fighter aren’t going to come anywhere near those heights, maybe they’ll be pretty ok, right?

Jesse Taylor and Dante Rivera will open this round, with Matt Brown and Amir Sadollah later in the show. Ah, but who will corner who? As everybody up this week is Team Forrest, a coin toss decides that Jesse and Amir will be cornered by Forrest, and Rampage will take Dante and Matt.

Jesse seems to have a fondness for microwavable cheeseburgers, which I didn’t even realize were a thing. Canned cheeseburgers, I remember reading something about that. And so I suppose. This accounts, I suppose, why he finds himself needing to cut — although only a little, so you cant really knock the program, I guess. His cutting techniques — playing ping pong, and urinating adjacent to the hot-tube — are open to critique, though. My god Jesse looks like Big John McCarthy. I know I’ve said it before, but it is uncanny.

Burger King, where I have not eaten in what seems like a lifetime, once again promises the dolla$, and Josh Rosenthal is your referee. Jesse ducks a wild hook and takes Dante down in the opening seconds of round one; Jesse in half guard and creates space in which to strike. This continues for some time. Is Dante looking for a fancy half guard sweep? People love half guard these days. He regains a full guard, but Jesse continues to do a good job of posturing-up and landing fairly clean shots. Dante isn’t doing much with his guard — he reaches across hoping for a Kimura, hints towards a triangle, little things, but nothing the least threatening. Jesse clearly takes this fairly uneventful round. Dante has spent the whole time on the bottom, taking shots, and never coming close with any sub or sweep attempts. It’s like he’s making attempt attempts rather than attempts.

Round two starts in much the same way. Jesse seems pretty content to just hang out in Dante’s guard, posture up, and punch a little. Aesthetically, you can knock that, but strategically, not really. He’s fighting safe, but he’s dominating. Dante occasionally switches his hips and hooks a leg as though to attempt an armbar or maybe a leg lock or a pendulum sweep or something, but never with any real seriousness. Rosenthal stands them up, but they’re right back in the same position as soon as they’re restarted. Jesse works Dante up against the cage. Man, Dante’s got nothing here. He’s just hanging on. Jesse passes to half, and hangs out there for about thirty seconds before finding himself back in guard to end the round and the match. Jesse Taylor, unanimous decision. What a nothing fight.

Back at the house, Amir is sipping from a big jug of something orange — Gatorade? Sunny D, in tribute to the opening scenes of Juno? Tellingly, when I tried to type the words “jug” and “Juno,” I actually typed “judo” both times. Amir and Matt are probably the two most likable guys this season. They’re respectful of one another in the build-up here, as one would expect.

Rampage is training Matt Brown — who Rampage says has “samurai spirit,” like Rampage himself — with an American Gladiators-looking rig he calls The Kung Fu Stick. Which is awesome. Will this ready him for Amir, who were told has like four years of Muay Thai? Four years?

Once again: BK; Josh Rosenthal.

Matt comes out aggressive, but Amir keeps him at bay with a nice little front kick. Push kick? They clinch against the cage as Amir tries to secure the plum. Matt Brown with the bodylock, Amir with the whizzer . . . eventually Matt pushes off and they trade. Amir’s got pretty flashy kicks! They clinch and throw knees. This is pretty good. They clinch against the cage, and Amir gets the whizzer again. Why not harai goshi, in the mode of the aforementioned Dong Hyung Kim and Yoshiyuki Yoshida? OH NEAT Amir hits a low kick that almost works like a sweep! Amir is getting the better of these exchanges late in the ground, for sure. Matt Brown takes Amir down with about twenty seconds to go but can’t keep him there. This is pretty good! I’d give the first round to Amir.

Matt comes out very aggressively to start the second, but, well Amir throws a leaping front kick, so I guess you would have to call that aggressive, too. Oh man Amir gets himself in great positions to judo dudes from the clinch but tragically he lacks the judo with which to judo them. OR DOES HE: Amir does get Matt to the ground with a very nice outside trip, and just flies through his guard. Matt’s corner yells “YOU ARE NOT TIRED MATT” but all evidence suggests the contrary at this point. Matt looks not just tired but in fact quite lost on the bottom here. Amir is mounted, Brown rolls of the cage, and Amir does what looks like the worst version of that “ok you are rolling out from underneath me and so I armbar you” transition (which must have a better name than that) you have ever seen but he secures the triangle from the bottom and finishes. A really nice fight, and Amir looked very good. Matt Brown suggests that there’s nothing to be ashamed of when you give it your best, which echoes Kano’s maxim that if there is effort there is accomplishment and yeah why not.

I cannot account for the brevity of this recap. Or I guess I can: an awful lot of fight time this week with very few shenanigans, which leads to way less editorializing. Also it is outrageously nice outside today.

Next week! Jeremy May suggest Jesse is a “little bitch”! CB fights Cale! Tim fights Handsome Dan! The semi-finals are announced! Oh man!