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It is somewhat reluctantly that I turn away from my download of the most recent Shooto show — which, about halfway through, anyway, is awesome — having just remembered my TUF commitments here at Total MMA. A man has only so many hours in a day to devote to this kind of thing, and so difficult decisions sometimes need be made. I am not complaining; I have more time for such things than can reasonably be expected. But know that while I speak to you now of TUF, my heart belongs to Shooto. I guess that’s always true to some extent.

Last week, as I’m sure you’ll recall, Dante Rivera took a close and controversial decision win over Brandon Sene in a match which asked of its judges (and of the viewing audience as a whole, of course), what’s more important in a mixed martial arts contest: modest but ultimately pointless positional control, or pretty much completely negligible damage from a somewhat disadvantageous position? Pointless positional control won the day! The fight itself wasn’t much, really, as Dana White observed, but at least it made you think, and that’s really more than you can ask of a show that begins with this kind of theme music. And it goes BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

Oh right! Also last week, Jeremy May lime-juiced Matt Brown’s dip! Grudge match! Citrus tobacco grudge match! This should be great. This is the best season in forever. Who needs Shooto?

We are reminded at the show’s outset that Rampage lost his shit utterly last week when the decision went against his fighter, and that it was pretty great when he threw stuff (I am a simple man with simple appetites). This week, we’re promised “the biggest slugfest yet!” For the record, I am definitely on Matt Brown’s side in this: as much as I like lime (club soda and lime being what I order on the rare occasions that I am in a bar because that is how hard I come with it), and as much as I dislike tobacco, I just can’t see how liming another man’s dip is anything but inconsiderate. I just want to get that out up front.

Matt is “a furious person,” a man “made out of railroad ties.” He is, seriously, the only dude on this show filled with guys who would make incredibly short work of me who I find actually scary. Jeremy, we’re told by pretty much everybody, has messed with the wrong guy. Jeremy spends the night drinking (bro he must have had like twelve or thirteen shots bro), much to the chagrin of Tim Credeur, who feels that “Jeremy May is everything fighting has worked so hard to prove we’re not. He is . . . he’s a douchebag. And I hope he gets destroyed.”

Swerve! May has actually been drinking water all night! Mind games! This guy is a tactician! This is some Art of War level shit right here. May has a bad knee, which has limited his training, but he seems extremely confident all the same. He’s going to “beat Matt Brown’s face in” in “a good Christian way” with his “Jeremy Jitsu,” which is “a combination of whatever it takes to beat your ass.” And I’m forced to agree with Tim Credeur.

Yeah, so, Matt Brown shadowboxing is a scary as hell sight. Just the look in his eyes. He has apparently come up pretty hard: scrapes with the law, in and out of jail, trouble with drugs and alcohol, no shortage of fights on the street. Boxing and mixed martial arts have helped give his life a sense of direction and focus. Well good, then: whatever it takes to stay right, even if that is to pursue sports that lead almost inevitably to brain damage.

Matt Riddle, making with the secret information, strongly advises Matt Brown to kick Jeremy in the knee. Don’t underestimate him, but kick him in the knee — that’s just good advice for living. But! Jeremy May has been sandbagging the whole time! He’s been using the excuse of his knee injury to pace himself! This guy is a real piece of work.

And we’re in the ring with a lot of time on the clock. This must be going the distance. I am disappointed to learn that, in that my hope has been that Matt Brown knocks May out in mere seconds. Round one begins with some truly ridiculous flailing from Jeremy May. Like, the goofiest shit you have ever seen. Brown knocks him down, and somewhat reluctantly takes to the ground. Side control, mount, but his arms are tied up and he can’t strike from here. May bridges and rolls, and Brown, who looks tentative, tries for the jujigatame but May escapes and finds himself in Brown’s guard. Brown gets to his feet, takes May down, and starts to throw punches from inside May’s guard. He passes to to the side. Brown really isn’t fighting with as much aggression as you might expect from his demeanor and his reputation among his training partners, but he is definitely landing the harder shots. Forrest Griffin is straight up screeching at Matt to “show [him] the animal.” Oh man, head kick! May is done. I guess we’re getting two fights this week! It’s hard to say that a first-round KO performance was disappointing, but Brown didn’t show as much as was expected of him. Forrest was just going nuts. Rampage explains about running out of gas, saying that sometimes, when you’re from the hood, you can only put like $2 in the tank and then you run out before you get home. “He should have put more than $2 in that tank,” Rampage concludes. I’m not from the hood, but I would put my record of putting $5 or less in the tank against anybody’s. Well, against anybody’s in the first world, let’s say. That is just how I do things. I follow a strict daily budget.

Matt Brown, who hurt his foot on May’s face, says that the lime-juice dip beef is squashed (that sentence sure wouldn’t make sense out of context). May’s position is that not training because of his knee and not having the cardio conditioning required to go longer than like three minutes was his undoing, and in that sense, Matt Brown “got lucky.” Lucky that his opponent played up a knee injury in training in order to dog it in training, certainly. May looking confused and dejected and muttering “that’s not Jeremy Jitsu” is among the finest of moments.

Team Forrest is 4-0, and retains control of the matchmaking. Luke Zacrich will be fighting Daniel Cramer. Luke was picked last, and Daniel is pretty. This seems to be the story they are going with here. “Rampage is fucking baffled,” Dana White suggests. I guess. Forrest says he’s flipping coins to pick these fights, which, if true, is pretty funny.

It would seem Rampage drives an Audi. Is there something between the R8 and the Quatro TT? If there is, I think that’s what Rampage is driving. Actually, ok, second look, I think it’s a TT Coupe. A fine choice, in my view.

Luke, understandably, was not happy about being picked last for Team Forrest, and he feels he has something to prove because of it. Dan Cramer is burdened by his prettiness and his horrible use of air quotes. Rampage says he’s got a chin, and he thinks he’s a sleeper. Luke plans on avoiding the takedown, standing up and trading. We’re not really told what Dan is looking to do here.

Round one begins under the ever-watchful eye of Steve Mazzagatti (someone will die). They’re both wearing dark camo trunks, which is about right, I guess. They clinch against the cage. Forrest thinks Daniel is looking frantic already, but he’s outscoring Luke against the fence with decent knees. They break but clinch again. Daniel goes for the minor outside trip, but Luke lands with a better position. They’re right back up and, as promised, Luke is looking to trade. This is a bad week for boxing in the octagon, with Daniel just letting fly with some truly horrible-looking looping punches. Cramer is landing at will in the clinch, but he doesn’t seem to have a lot of power. Like, he is hitting Luke square in the chin with probably a third of his punches, and Luke is still standing. This is pretty awful, actually. They’re both gassed. This is like the worst possible cover version of Frye-Takayama. Luke body locks and takes Cramer down with a minor outside trip, takes the back, and comes reasonably close with the rear naked choke but has neither the energy nor the time to finish it properly. These guys are dead tired, and throwing truly shameful punches. Not good. I guess I’d give that round to Daniel, but I certainly wasn’t watching it with a judge’s eye. I was just kind of baffled by it all.

Round two opens with Daniel taking Luke down with the same takedown we’ve already seen I guess three times. He mounts, lands some blows, and Luke gives up his back, which Daniel doesn’t really do anything with. These guys are tired. Mazzagatti yells “FIGHT OUT DAN FIGHT OUT~~~!!!” but I think he means Luke. Daniel gets the stoppage probably fifteen seconds before his arms would have fallen completely off his body.

Dana White tells us that this was a great fight, and Rampage agrees. There sure was a lot of offense, I guess. Not a lot of crisp technique on display, no real evidence of conditioning of any kind, but I mean, they went after it. You can’t help but give them that. Still, I would say that was not one of the better fights so far this season. I must disagree with both Dana and Rampage. We’re still cool, though.

Rampage is pretty excited. And dances.

Next week! The final preliminary matches are announced! Team Rampage gets their first fight pick! A close fight sets both coaches off! Four more fighters step into the octagon! OK!