Total-MMA.com

Editor’s Note: Hardcore MMA fans live in their own insular little world. I know before I click what Josh Gross or Zach Arnold are going to say before they say it. I thought it might be interesting to send an outsider to watch a show up close. A, dare I say, TUF-Newb. What does a California hipster goofball think about MMA. We’re about to find out…

By Andrew Wallace

It was with great excitement that I accepted Jonathan’s kind offer to go to Strikeforce as a member of the prestigious total-mma.com’s elite journalism team. I don’t know much about MMA, or journalism, or anything. As I write this, I am on a train headed towards San Jose. My frantic writing in this notebook will probably give me away as a complete fool. I’m nervous. As a member of the media am I expected to sit passively, completely neutral to the nights proceedings? Or am I allowed to just completely lose my goddamn mind? I guess that all depends on if I find a bar before the show starts.

I have arrived and my mind is completely and utterly lost. As I write, I am in the press room watching Dave Meltzer eat meatloaf. This is the most incredible moment of my entire life, I want to just start laughing. Meltzer has a hearty appetite and an awkward manner of interpersonal interaction. He is my king.

Oh, the sneaky little fellow has crept off somewhere. I shall try to find him!
Total-MMA is apparently lacking in the prestige department as I am seated in a wheelchair landing. This is not ideal.

First fight! Jesse Gillespie vs Jesse Jones! Someone behind me yells “Go Jess” and I find that to be a pretty accurate prediction. Jesse shall surely win this fight. Hot damn there sure are some bozos in garish ass t-shirts here and this entire place actually smells like Rockstar energy beverage. Jones has some fans and uses their support to tai otoshi his way into backmount and pounds out an easy victory in 35 seconds.

FROM GILROY, Anthony Figueroa. This kid is the sort of dirty looking dude you’d expect from Gilroy. Darren Uyenoyama represents SF and has a pleasing last name. These dudes are pretty little, I expect some HEART. Uyenoyama is booed so I half-heartedly applaud him. HERB DEAN is officiation and that is so good to me. His voice is so soothing, it totally takes me out of the bloodlust. A guy behind me is helpfully naming each move as it happens - Ah this is side control? Thank you good sir. Uyenoyama gets a choke in 87 seconds. Will this be a theme of the night?

Luke Stewart from SF with the terrible, terrible theme music. Why don’t any of these buffoons ever come out to, like, Kelly Clarkson or Guided By Voices or something? This dude sucks. He is fighting the magnificent Tiki Ghosn. Mario Yamasaki presides and here we go. This fight is all in the clinch and a distinct lack of judo is noticed. Boo. The second round finally sees some kick punch and Tiki is looking pretty good! Tiki just craps all over Stewart’s takedowns and wins the only decision of the night.

Next fight is LIVE and so stuff is kinda just not happening for a little bit. Goddamn this is ridiculous. There are a ton of trophy wives here. Old dudes trying so hard to be cool, lifted trucks, all sorts of phallus analogues. Shirts with deliberately off centered silk screening. There is one guy wearing a Mizuno Judo shirt though and thus he is a fine man. I have a Mizuno gi!
Shamrock is here to stand and bang! Niggaz be wildin out for Cung Le! LETS DO THIS!
Ryan Jensen vs Joey Villasenor (literally Mister Village). Villasenor’s music is pretty awesome. The last time I was at this arena I saw Slayer and Pantera. Vinnie Paul’s drumming made me have to poop. Will anything tonight make me have to poop? Jensen reps Team Quest and my heart swells with fondness. Is he a friend of Cory “The” Butcher? The audience boos. A fat guy in a Tapout shirt behind me offers sage advice. (”Do something!”) Villasenor basically kills our beloved TQ friend. YAY GOLDBERG!

Wayne Cole! Mike Kyle! A couple of big galoots! I am considering ganking one of the reserved media seats. Gasper Armenta, you’re not here and you have 20 minutes. Wayne Cole weighs a READY somethingorother pounds and he is old. I like the cut of his jib. Ho-ho-holy crap I am going home early. That was fast. Like 5 seconds.
10 minutes, Gaspar.

Kimbo is the one and only and for that we are all thankful.

Gaspar’s seat is mine now and I am sitting next to a dude from Black Belt magazine and charging my cell phone on a power strip. Incredible.

Okay now it is ON. Gabe Lemley is so not Gilbert Melendez and for that we shall never forgive him. Melendez has fine hair, Andrew Wallace-esque hair in many ways. Being at fights live is like watching fights at home except with more nacho scent. Really exciting end of the first round. The audience is a little more amped for Gil than they have been for anyone else and that makes it a fun atmosphere. Lemley is in trouble. A bunch of dudes coordinate a yell urging Melendez to win using foul language that I shall not sully this site with. This yell draws fond laughter. Melendez pounds out his destined victory and everyone is very happy. He has the face of a wee baby. Kimbo Slice has a fine beard. Diaz is in the ring and I wish he was fighting so bad. This is why you should never consort with the devil’s lettuce.

The Korean Icepick is an incredible name. A complete douchebag looking guy is walking around the ringside area with his whorish girlfriend. This guy is Daniel Puder, I later learn, and I judge him incorrectly as a douchebag as he throws an arm wrestling match to some kid. Puder is a hell of a guy, it is I that is a douchebag. His girlfriend is some manner of beast that walks upright as a man. Lim hits some manner of Korean Judo but it is all for naught as Drew Fickett catches him with a beastly guillotine and it is all over.

There are some absolutely audacious bosoms here. I cannot help but notice them.
Main event time! People here are pretty excited. Shamrock in the Sharks jersey and I am loving him so much. The Strikeforce music, by the way, is really pretty awesome. The atmosphere in here is really electric now and it finally feels like a big deal event. Shamrock looks so weird. This fight is pretty crazy, Black Belt mag guy and I agree. This fight, man. I am not marking out but I can see how people are. That was some fight. Shamrock is so cool, he is just like a good character.

After that fight, who even cares that Billy Evangelista is fighting Marlon Sims? I do because I have journalistic integrity. There was no problem with this fight not being televised, I assure you. The crowd is tired from the main event and a lot of them left anyway. The cameras between rounds keep showing the same unaccompanied woman and the ensuing wolf whistles crack me up. Round 3, Marlon Sims gets totally killed. Going home now.

As I ride the train to San Francisco, the glorious jewel of the bay, my thoughts become more philosophical. This fighting was a lot of fun. I’d like to thank the guys I train with and my sponsors. MMA is like really weird; I know not why these men fight and perhaps I never will. Mayhap in a more reasoned time, an era when peace and wisdom prevail, MMA will fall to the wayside and glorious messageboard trolls will be revered as kings. It is my hope. My prayer for this world, and our children’s world. Thank you and may god have mercy on your wicked souls.