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In a tragic turn, Paulo Filho’s enthusiasm for drugs has taken from me the only fight on this card where I knew both fighters. I’m pretty sure I’ve watched every WEC card on Vs., but I have some kind of a mental block that prevents me from remembering pretty much anything that has happened on any of them, excluding Urijah Faber’s matches, Filho vs. Sonnen, and the smooth, smooth voice of Joe Martinez, so all of these fighters are new to me each time. It’s an Oliver Sacks situation.

Tim McKenzie vs. Steve Cantwell

R1

Tim McKenzie is threatening to take Cantwell’s pride in a particularly poor pre-fight interview package, and let’s be honest with ourselves and with each other, the pre-fight interview package is a failed genre, like, say, the cover letter. There is, apparently, “no love lost” between these two! My goodness! McKenzie has strange and unsettling hair, a mohawk tied into little pigtails, I guess you’d say, little top-knots. He eats some knees, is mounted, gives up his back, Cantwell and finishes with a rear naked choke in short order, the fight’s third minute, in fact. A thought on terminology: you already know this, this isn’t news, but a “rear naked choke” is naked in the sense that it doesn’t involve a gi, but since no chokes in MMA make use of the gi (outside of say a Lumax cup setting, which is, as you know, the best setting) shouldn’t we do away with this? Shouldn’t we push things forward? WEC has rightly decided to have someone other than Frank Mir stand next to its tiny fighters (not that either McKenzie nor Cantwell are tiny at 205) for post-fight interviews.

Urijah Faber is on the screen, and you know somewhere Dave Meltzer is thinking about Kerry Von Erich circa 1982, and you feel gladness. Faber vs. Pulver, I don’t see that as a particularly competitive match, but Pulver is an endlessly likable little dude, and we should support him in all he does. The man’s father was an alcoholic jockey, for God’s sake.

Marcus Hicks vs. Ed “9 MM” Ratcliff

Apparently Ratcliff has some of the craziest striking skills Frank Mir has seen in the WEC, so ok! Ratcliff claims that when people see him, they will think he is a cool dude, and not only a cool dude, but a cool dude who can fight. Joe Martinez suggests that in this clash of undefeated fighters, somebody’s “0″ must go. Oh you. March Hicks’s style is “Go Get ‘Em”? For real? That’s sub-”thugjitsu.” That’s like UFC 8-level bad.

R1

Hicks lands an overhand left twenty seconds in, Ratcliff escapes one guillotine but quickly finds himself in another. Ratcliff manages to pop his head out and stand back up against the cage, where he promptly eats a couple of shots to tha grill. Eventually one of these Hicks guillotines has to finish. Yes, ok, third times a charm.

Two quick finishes in two nothing fights, so far. Oh Paulo, why? You were all I had on this card and now you’ve left me here, alone.

Richard Crunkilton vs. Sergio Gomez

Sergio feels Crunkilton brings nothing new: he’ll try to punch him in the face, to take him down. He will, in short, engage with him in MMA fighting. Sergio is, in short, unfazed. Man, these taped interviews. Herb Dead assures the fighter that they’re going to keep this fight clean, and it looks like they believe him.

R1

Crunkilton takes a single leg and lands in Gomez’s guard. Crunkilton deliberately passes to half guard and lands a solid elbow but Gomez scrambles up to his feet, and the two clinch against the cage. This is already a much better fight than the two we’ve seen so far. Crunkilton is bleeding but secures a single leg and takes Gomez down. My god where is all that blood coming from — Gomez’s back? What? Crunkilgon comes close with a D’arce but ends up on bottom. The two stand, and Crunkilton looks to be tiring already, and Gomez lands some clean shots before he is taken down again by Crunkilton’s strange high single leg takedown — he underhooks, passes the leg across his hips as he steps back, and gets the leg really high. I’m sure there’s a proper wrestling term for this technique, but as there’s no specific judo term to describe it, I am at a loss. But it is strange and worth seeing. Another failed D’arce attempt, back to their feet, Gomez catches a slow Crunkilton kick, holds the leg and lands some clean punches before Crunkilton uses a beautiful outside trip which Frank Mir refers to as judo so I can call it a kosoto gari with impunity. A great first round, with a wide range of techniques on display. Lovely stuff.

R2

Crunkilton does that strange takedown yet again. I’ve got to try that. Crunkilton briefly had Gomez’s back up against the cage, but Gomez turns out, grabs a guillotine, and gets slammed. Crunkilton is showing a lot here. Not that Gomez — this is pretty great. Crunkilton looks to step over to an armbar but it goes awry in a unique way that at first looks like Gomez will take his back, but ends up in a Crunkilton kneebar attempt, then an escape, then side control for Gomez and an ude garami attempt, an escape, and yet another D’are attempt from Crunkilton. This is a serously fight you should go out of your way to see. The pace slows, predictably and sensibly, and Crunkilton chips away from inside Gomez’s guard. A failed armbar attempt from Gomez, and Crunkilton ends the round by securing full mount. This is awesome.

R3

Gomez clearly has the advantage standing: crisper, cleaner punches. Crunkilton’s kicks just kind of float in there; there’s no real snap to them. Crunkilton gets Gomez down against the cage and methodically works for half guard once again. Gomez grabs a kimura grip but has no real chance but Crunkilton is in no real trouble. He frees his arm and seems content to chill in half guard for at least a little while. Herb Dean orders a plainly unnecessary stand-up, and Crunkilton promptly puts Gomez in the exact same position against the cage that Dean just rescued him from. Mir talks about how there’s nothing more tiring than attempting a takedown — so true. The third round is much slower than the breakneck second, but on the whole this is, once again, a fight well worth your time.

Hey, judge Gene Lebell! Awesome! The decision is unanimous in Crunkilton’s favor, and well deserved.

Urijah Faber says “Scarmacramento” which is cool sounding. Is this a thing?

Chael Sonnen vs. Bryan Baker

In his first match since disgracing himself utterly by clearly, plainly submitting to an armbar and then denying it to the referee and concocting a nonsense story afterwards, here’s Chael Sonnen. I like Baker’s choice of entrance music, Jay-Z instructing us to get that dirt off our shoulders (good advice for living), but not his choice of gladiator headgear. Baker is “very athletic,” that’s the first of the three key details about Baker put up on the graphic; what he lacks in experience he makes up for in athletic ability. This is Mike Goldberg-esque. Like Filho, Chonnen’s last opponent, apparently he is a judo black belt, this Bryan Baker (among his many other credentials), and so he is my guy in this.

I applaud Joe Martinez’s decision to insert an “r” where this isn’t one, refusing to give himself over completely to the idiocy of Tapout’s INYAFACEness. Fucking Tapout.

R1

Chonnen hits a double-leg takedown and has Baker under side control and then the mount in short order. Baker seems content to simply wrap Sonnen up and wait for the stand-up. Baker tries to scramble up agains the cage, but Sonnen grabs a D’arce for an instant before the break, exchange punches, and end up right back where they were after a Sonnen double. OH JESUS SUPLEX. Sonnen hits an awesome suplex, Baker seems to be going for a yoko sankaku or side triangle from the bottom which is a strange choice. He abandons that, switches his hips across into guard, but does a terrible job of controlling either the head or the wrists, and gets pretty thoroughly punched. Baker is plainly outclassed here. This definitely looks like a guy stepping up to face touch competition on short notice (which is, of course, exactly what this is).

R2

Round 2 continues on much as round 1 ended, with Sonnen hanging out in guard and just laying the shots in. Baker makes a few half-hearted triangle and armbar attempts, but there’s nothing there. Frank Mir, I think it’s worth noting, is probably the best colour guy in MMA. He does an exceptional job of explaining both the big things and the little things that are in fact big things, fairly subtle details of positioning on the ground that would be very easy to miss if you’d didn’t train yourself, but that can make all the difference. Joe Rogan is good in this regard, but Mir is even better. A completely one-sided round.

R3

Takedown, side control, and then the kind of crucifix position from the top that Frank Mir calls this “the beatdown position” and that many of us think of as the Hughes/Newton position (from their second fight). Baker is just completely out of his league here. He hasn’t given up: he goes looking for a kneebar, throws up some triangle attempts. His corner is telling him to just go for broke. Baker has one almost promising armbar attempt with about ninety seconds to go, but that’s all he’s got left. Tough, tough guy, Bryan Baker, but he’s been outclassed from start to finish here by Chael Sonnen, just as you’d expect. The fight could well have been stopped in the last twenty seconds, and for once I agree with Mazzagatti not stopping a fight — as Mir says, Baker deserved to lose that fight by decision and not by knockout.

Sonnen gets the decision, of course, and by lopsided scores: 30-26, 30-25, 30-25. Sonnen tells us Baker “has a good physique, he’s nice and long,” and claims that he will fight “any man that god ever created.” Then he will scream “TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP” and, soon thereafter “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” and then he will mutter “i fucked up i fucked up.” Honestly I feel bad for Sonnen. May all his future disgraces be private, as a great man once said.

Doug Marshall vs. Brian Stann

Brian Stann comes out to Jane’s Addiction’s “Mountain Song,” which is an unassailable choice. Also he is accompanied to the ring by Sokoudjou, an equally unassailable choice. Doug Marshall has chosen nondescript Hetfieldian metal. Or maybe that’s actually Metallica? It’s hard to say anymore.

R1

Doug Marshall’s iron cross chest tattoo suggest he served the Prussian lands with honor and valor. After a couple of solid leg kicks he gets the Thai clinch and OH SHIT OK Brian Stann let go of the clinch, landed a couple of decent shots but mostly was hitting hands before Marshall knocked him out with a clean left hook. That was fast. Six fights into his career, a WEC champion. That looks great, doesn’t it?

And that’s that — a fairly indifferent show, but Richard Crunkilton vs. Sergio Gomez is definitely one to track down.